Not Alone Anymore
by cordelia.hartfield.358
Summary: It's Arthur and Guinevere's anniversary, and discoveries are made. Story better than summary! Magic reveal! Merlin and Gwen friendship! IDOM


Gwen rushed into her room. Tears were pouring down her face, her hands were shaking, and she looked like she was looking for somewhere to hide. Just then, the door flew open and Merlin ran inside.

"Gwen?" At this simple sound, Guinevere spun and a vase three feet away shattered. As she backed away from the door trembling, a mirror broke on the other side of the room.

She fell, sobbing in fear, to the floor as Merlin approached her. "Gwen? It's..."

Before he could continue, words burst from her lips. "Please! I didn't mean to! I never wanted this to happen! I don't WANT this! I'm not evil, Merlin! I'm not a monster! Please!" An unseen window shattered.

Merlin looked stunned for a second, then crept forward, holding his arms out. "I know, I know. I'm not going to hurt you Gwen. I believe you. I believe you." Gwen, shuddering, fell into his arms and sobbed while he gently rubbed her back.

After a time, when she could breathe again, he sighed and pulled away. "When did this start?"

"It was...a month ago," she sniffed. "I wanted a brush and it just...CAME, Merlin! It just floated into my hand!" She breathed deeply and forged on. "And...it just kept happening...and, when I'd get angry...or upset...things just...happened, and I can't stop! I was upset because Arthur went off and left on our anniversary and...that's why the tapestry just... Arthur will kill me! His own wife with magic? He'll kill me, Merlin! After what happened with Lancelot, he has no reason to believe in me anymore! I can't stop this curse! I'm so sc..scared..." she broke out in sobs again and Merlin held her as she cried.

When she stopped once more, Merlin grabbed her hand. "Look at me, Gwen." When her fearful eyes met his, he continued. "I won't tell Arthur. Or anyone else. Alright?" At her hesitant nod, he continued. "First. I want you to understand something. Magic isn't evil."

"But..."

"Did you know Gaius used to be a sorcerer?"

She gasped. "No...I didn't..."

"You trust him, don't you? You don't think he's evil, right?" She nodded, and so Merlin pressed on. "Did you know that Druids start using magic when they are young children? As early as five or six, Gwen, and they have no control over it. No choice. Do you think children can be evil?"

"No, of course not. But...they can't stop?"

"No, Gwen. It's a part of who they are. Yes, there are those who learn sorcery, study it for their own purposes, but there are many more who wake up one day to the realization that they have magic. Mostly as young children, but there have been cases of those who are older. Magic chooses people, Gwen." At her bewildered look, he quickly said, "Gaius told me some things. After what happened with..." his voice trailed off.

"Morgana," she finished. At his hesitant nod, she choked. "But...she just...will I end up like-"

"No." She was surprised at the force of his response. "You won't, Gwen. Morgana...she was angry at Uther, for his persecution of magic and for keeping her parentage a secret. She was twisted by rage and grief. Magic is like a sword, Gwen. It can be used to protect as well as kill. It is a tool, for good or ill. It will not change who you are."

Gwen swallowed and her voice became firm. "Well then. What will I do? Is...there some way to just stop?"

"No, Gwen. I'm sorry, but you can't just get rid of your magic. It's a part of you."

"Then what? I don't want this, I never asked for this. What do I do?" she asked, her voice breaking on the last word.

Merlin's face was shadowed, and he looked down and sighed deeply before muttering the answer. "You'll have to hide." He looked up and met her gaze. "If you were to leave Camelot, Arthur would search for you endlessly. So you'll have to stay in Camelot, Gwen. And hide. Hide the magic from everyone you care about and continue to live your life."

"But how?" Gwen breathed and continued. "I can't control myself. I'm afraid to be in the same room as anyone, let alone be with Arthur. How can I do that?"

"I guess you'll have to learn some magic, then. Not a lot," he said quickly, seeing her face, "but enough to help you learn some control. I'm sure there's some old books of Gaius's that could help. And...I know of someone who could help you."

Gwen's whirling mind barely registered the last sentence. "Merlin," she whispered, "I'll be living a lie."

Merlin's face twisted briefly with an unnamed emotion, and his eyes were far away when he spoke. "Yes, Gwen. You'll have to live the lie, because it is the only way to survive. You'll have to smile and joke and laugh like nothing is wrong, even though deep down you're terrified. You'll have to stand by your husband and agree when he speaks of the evils of magic, because that's what he thinks he'll hear. You'll have to stand on the balcony at executions and not let your face show what you long for everyone to see, because one wrong move and it could be you in the courtyard." He stopped for breath. "You'll have to lie. To everyone you know. And you'll have to keep secrets. It's hard, and it's lonely and I wish you could have been spared this, Gwen."

Gwen was startled at the tears in his eyes. "Merlin-"

"But look. It's going to be alright Gwen." He smiled at her, even though the tears had begun to fall. "It's going to be alright, because I'm going to help you through this. I'll help you. You won't be alone."

Gwen smiled at her friend. "Oh, Merlin. You're so good to offer your help. But...this is magic, Merlin. How could you possibly help me?"

His face hardened with pain for a moment, then something else replaced it. Fear?

"Gwen. I'm sorry, you have to believe I am. And I've only ever used it to protect Arthur and Camelot and I would never-"

"Merlin!" she interrupted. "What are you saying?"

Tears still flowing, he held out a shaking hand and whispered, _"Blostma"._

A beautiful flower appeared in the air, petals gently unfurling, glowing in a lilac light. Gwen gasped and Merlin smiled warily.

"I have magic, Gwen. I've been protecting Arthur with it, all this time. I've been all those mysterious falling tree branches and all the strange good luck. It's...my destiny. I understand what you're feeling, how afraid you are. But, you don't have to be, because I can help you and teach you and you won't have to be alone like...some people, and it will be alright."

Silence followed his words as Gwen stared at the flower. Merlin was still shaking with fear. "Say something."

Guinevere slowly extended her hand and touched the flower. "Merlin," she breathed. "I...you...it's beautiful, Merlin." Looking over at him, she saw how he was crouched, eyes moving like a trapped animal. "It's alright," she assured. "I don't mind. I believe you, too." He let out a shaky breath. "How long?"

"How long, what?"

"How long have you had magic? How long have you been...alone?"

More tears fell as he answered her question, "My whole life. From the day I was born." He looked up as she gasped again. "You...really don't mind...?"

She smiled at him. "Oh, Merlin. How could I? Even if I didn't have these...powers, I know you. And you are not evil."

At these words, he completely dissolved into tears. He tried to say something, but he couldn't get the words out. So Gwen just gathered him in yet another hug and held him as he sobbed.

When at last all was still, he started to chuckle. "What?" she asked, releasing him.

Merlin wiped his eyes and grinned. "I'm supposed to be the one comforting you."

Guinevere smiled back at him. "That's okay. From now on, we'll help each other." They both stood. "You're going to tell me about how you've been saving Arthur's life all this time. All of it. I want to know everything."

Merlin paled. "Everything?" At Gwen's affirmation, he continued, "I...I've made a lot of mistakes, Gwen. Done a lot of things..."

"I know," she interrupted. "Everyone makes mistakes, Merlin. I understand. It's alright."

Merlin smiled. "I'll tell you the whole story. But first, you need a few magic lessons. Let's go somewhere else. I know a place where we shouldn't be disturbed for a while." He abruptly stopped. "When will Arthur be back?"

"From that solo hunting trip of his? I think he said tonight sometime. Hopefully he'll return in time for the feast I arranged to remind him. I can't believe he forgot! Merlin?" She asked her question hesitantly. "Can...I learn...how to do that flower?"

Merlin's face betrayed his complete and utter joy. "Oh, yes. Yes, you can. But not right away. It's a bit complicated. For right now, let's focus on control and maybe something simple like-" he cupped his hand and murmured, _"Forbearnan"._

Gwen stared at the flame that now danced in Merlin's hand. "That's simple?!"

He laughed gently. "Yeah. Come on."

She laughed herself as the two of them walked out into the hall and closed the heavy door behind them.

It was only then that Arthur stepped out from behind the curtain, the roses he had been holding falling forgotten to the floor.


End file.
